I cried for the first time

My heart has had a dull ache for many a weeks now. Tonight i woke up and for the first time in 2.5years I have cried.

I sobbed tears so hard I think my neighbours may have heard me.

I cried because I miss my son so much. Yes I see him almost every day but I feel like a piece of me is missing when he is not with me. I feel robbed of him growing up.  And this is all because of my own choices. My own choice to leave my marriage, my own choice to seek what I deserve, my own choice for happiness. But at what cost?  At the cost of my baby boy not having me in his life daily? At the cost of my baby boy not having his mom tuck him into bed every night? At the cost of my baby boy not “leading a normal life”?

I miss family life so badly. I miss the feeling of being needed.

But then I get told the best thing that ever happened to my husband was me leaving him and that coming straight out of his mouth . I then remember all the bad times and all the fighting and the silent treatment my boy had to endure.

I then I remember I left because I didn’t want my boy to grow up in a home where his parents hated each other.  I know I am the one paying the price now and it hurts,  it hurts real bad!

Single life is lonely and I count the days down when my boy comes to me.  He is my reason for living. He is my reason for getting up every morning. He is my reason I need to focus on him and me.

Of course I want to get married again and yes I do want another baby but that I will leave in God’s hands.

All I know is that I have made plenty of mistakes along the way in the last 14years and I wish I could go back and change things. But I believe that God will use my weakness and errors in areas that only I can relate to because of my experiences.

My whole life has not planned out the way I had it planned out so yes tonight I cried for the first time ……