So its been just over two years since I left the marital home. I had plans in my head that I would be happy and content, I would have hopefully have been engaged to the right man with plans to have a baby once married. Wake up call!!! It hasn’t happened.
I now suddenly find myself thinking of my life with my son and husband. And how much I miss family life and how much I am missing of my son’s life. The guilt consumes me daily and I am constantly asking myself if I actually made the right decision to finally leave after so many times of breaking up and getting back together? What is better for my son? To have two parents that fight daily but are together just for the sake of the child? Or is it better that he is not exposed to daily fighting and not been brought up in an unhappy environment? So many questions, so many what if’s.
Or maybe I am the problem? I was always the one leaving. Why? What is wrong with me? Why do I bring so much pain unto others and myself? Why don’t I realise what I had? Was I being selfish??? Or am I just torturing myself because I feel guilty?
I keep reminding myself that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Am I missing my husband or am I just feeling like life has not panned out the way I had planned it so therefore my expectations of life has been shattered once again.
I am taken to Genesis 3v7-11. This is where Adam and Eve hide from God because they have been told they are naked and feel ashamed. They have eaten the fruit from the tree which God commanded them not to.
I am reminded of my own choices and how I have hidden from God for so long because I knew deep down getting divorced was wrong and not in Gods plan for my life. As with all choices, there is always consequences. God has been knocking gently at my door for many a years now but I have just ignored Him because us humans think we know better. And now I have finally been brought to my knees to ask God for forgiveness and to help me through this testing time in my life.
God works in mysterious ways. I am working for a company that is Christ centered and within the first 6 months of work, my MD was given a message from God for me saying that I have lost my faith but I need to keep hanging onto Jesus and restore my faith. Here I am amongst work colleagues that I hardly know and just want to cry because there is so much truth in it.
I have been delaying talking to God because I knew all these emotions will come up and I don’t want to deal with them. But God has not given up on me. He is constantly and gently knocking and waiting for me to turn back to Him. And here I am, Lord. I am at Your feet now asking for Your mercy and giving me the life that You want me to have. I don’t want any more guilt, condemnation, sorrow, sadness. I want peace in my heart and in my soul. I want to live a life that is so Christ centred that the next man that God brings into my life needs to know that God comes first in my life.
I know the Lord will use me and my testimony in the near future. But God has a lot of work to get through with me first in order to be whole again. But God is a miracle worker and I know that as I write these daily blogs God is working through me and helping me.
Prayer for today: Father God, I come before you right now. I ask for Your forgiveness, I ask forgiveness in disobeying Your Word. I pray Lord, You will use me to witness to others and to help them through similar situations. Whatever Your will is Lord, let it be done. I thank you Lord for Your forgiveness. I pray for guilt to be removed and I pray for Your everlasting Peace and Joy from within. In Jesus name, amen