I cried for the first time

My heart has had a dull ache for many a weeks now. Tonight i woke up and for the first time in 2.5years I have cried.

I sobbed tears so hard I think my neighbours may have heard me.

I cried because I miss my son so much. Yes I see him almost every day but I feel like a piece of me is missing when he is not with me. I feel robbed of him growing up.  And this is all because of my own choices. My own choice to leave my marriage, my own choice to seek what I deserve, my own choice for happiness. But at what cost?  At the cost of my baby boy not having me in his life daily? At the cost of my baby boy not having his mom tuck him into bed every night? At the cost of my baby boy not “leading a normal life”?

I miss family life so badly. I miss the feeling of being needed.

But then I get told the best thing that ever happened to my husband was me leaving him and that coming straight out of his mouth . I then remember all the bad times and all the fighting and the silent treatment my boy had to endure.

I then I remember I left because I didn’t want my boy to grow up in a home where his parents hated each other.  I know I am the one paying the price now and it hurts,  it hurts real bad!

Single life is lonely and I count the days down when my boy comes to me.  He is my reason for living. He is my reason for getting up every morning. He is my reason I need to focus on him and me.

Of course I want to get married again and yes I do want another baby but that I will leave in God’s hands.

All I know is that I have made plenty of mistakes along the way in the last 14years and I wish I could go back and change things. But I believe that God will use my weakness and errors in areas that only I can relate to because of my experiences.

My whole life has not planned out the way I had it planned out so yes tonight I cried for the first time ……

Trusting God

So after having to face God and face my guilt after so many months, today I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I know there is still plenty to work through but it feels liberating to feel somewhat free of my guilty emotions. God is good. His love never fail. His love endures. What an awesome Father I serve. He is always there for me when I am ready to start picking up the pieces of my life band live the life God intended for me.

Luke 12:6 says “The Lord answered, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, may you be uprooted and thrown into the sea, and it would obey you!”

How amazing to know all we need is a tiny bit of faith in Jesus for our lives to be turned around.

Prayer: Father God, thank you for your forgiveness, thank you for giving peace within my soul and thank you for still loving me!!!! Amen


Facing God

So its been just over two years since I left the marital home. I had plans in my head that I would be happy and content, I would have hopefully have been engaged to the right man with plans to have a baby once married. Wake up call!!! It hasn’t happened.

I now suddenly find myself thinking of my life with my son and husband. And how much I miss family life and how much I am missing of my son’s life. The guilt consumes me daily and I am constantly asking myself if I actually made the right decision to finally leave after so many times of breaking up and getting back together? What is better for my son?  To have two parents that fight daily but are together just for the sake of the child? Or is it better that he is not exposed to daily fighting and not been brought up in an unhappy environment? So many questions, so many what if’s.

Or maybe I am the problem? I was always the one leaving. Why? What is wrong with me? Why do I bring so much pain unto others and myself? Why don’t I realise what I had? Was I being selfish??? Or am I just torturing myself because I feel guilty?

I keep reminding myself that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Am I missing my husband or am I just feeling like life has not panned out the way I had planned it so therefore my expectations of life has been shattered once again. 

I am taken to Genesis 3v7-11. This is where Adam and Eve hide from God because they have been told they are naked and feel ashamed. They have eaten the fruit from the tree which God commanded them not to.

I am reminded of my own choices and how I have hidden from God for so long because I knew deep down getting divorced was wrong and not in Gods plan for my life. As with all choices, there is always consequences. God has been knocking gently at my door for many a years now but I have just ignored Him because us humans think we know better. And now I have finally been brought to my knees to ask God for forgiveness and to help me through this testing time in my life.

God works in mysterious ways. I am working for a company that is Christ centered and within the first 6 months of work, my MD was given a message from God for me saying that I have lost my faith but I need to keep hanging onto Jesus and restore my faith. Here I am amongst work colleagues that I hardly know and just want to cry because there is so much truth in it.

I have been delaying talking to God because I knew all these emotions will come up and I don’t want to deal with them. But God has not given up on me. He is constantly and gently knocking and waiting for me to turn back to Him. And here I am, Lord. I am at Your feet now asking for Your mercy and giving me the life that You want me to have. I don’t want any more guilt, condemnation, sorrow, sadness. I want peace in my heart and in my soul. I want to live a life that is so Christ centred that the next man that God brings into my life needs to know that God comes first in my life.

I know the Lord will use me and my testimony in the near future. But God has a lot of work to get through with me first in order to be whole again. But God is a miracle worker and I know that as I write these daily blogs God is working through me and helping me.

Prayer for today: Father God, I come before you right now. I ask for Your forgiveness, I ask forgiveness in disobeying Your Word. I pray Lord, You will use me to witness to others and to help them through similar situations. Whatever Your will is Lord, let it be done. I thank you Lord for Your forgiveness. I pray for guilt to be removed and I pray for Your everlasting Peace and Joy from within. In Jesus name, amen




In the beginning

I need to start from the beginning. I have 13 years of bottled up emotions and I need to work through them. I need to set the scene in order for you to understand how and where i am today.  My ex husband and I started dating and within 3 months I fell pregnant. And this is where my 13 years of an emotional rollercoaster started. He wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy and wanted me to abort. I couldn’t go through with it after hearing my baby’s heartbeat at 8weeks! I was instantly in love with the “blob”. Don’t get me wrong, his son is his life now and I am in awe on what an awesome parent he has turned out to be.

We got back together just before the birth of our son. Broke up after 3 months. Got back together when our son was just over a year. Broke up 2years later. Back together after a year. Broke up again. Got back together. Bought a house together. Broke up. Got back together. Got engaged, almost got divorced. Got back together and then got finally divorced 2 years back. You get the drift??

So these blogs will be about my daily emotions to help me work through my “demons” and find peace within myself, find forgiveness for myself and find God again.

I look forward to sharing this journey with you 💓